Secrets on How to Be a Better Lover

They might not be what you think

Feb 20, 2022

Is one of your goals this year to be a better lover? I share my goals with my inner circle, and they share them back with me. I don’t recall any of us having this as a goal for 2022. Maybe we should add it. I imagine this newsletter title of “Secrets on How to Be a Better Lover” might have taken your mind to a certain context, and that’s ok. The secrets I share can apply there too, and truth be told, if you apply these secrets, it will make you better in that context as well. But where I want to start is much more general.

Have you ever wished you could start over, just do the day again and do it better? That has happened to me several times recently. Maybe it has happened to you too. If so, read on, and let me give you some ideas on how to love, how to be more loving and in the end, how to be a better lover.

We were put on this earth to love God and to love others and to love ourselves. Plain and simple. But we make it so hard, so convoluted, so confusing. One of my friends taught me to reflect on things. So this morning I reflected, researched and thought about what it means to love God. It means to put Him first.

Put Your Lover First

That sounds easy. So if we want to be a better lover, then whoever is the object of our attention and affection, we should put them first - the apple of our eye, the moon in our sky.

When we get to the month where our focus is spirituality (July), we can talk more about putting God first as it is more specific and detailed. If you don’t want to wait, here are 7 steps.

For the rest of the people in our lives, putting someone first means listening, helping, encouraging and giving. Remember I said I wish I could do my day over. I don’t always succeed at that, but that is a great way to be a better lover. Are you stopping what you’re doing and listening, really listening, to what the other person is saying. What help can you offer? Some people want ideas and suggestions; some people want to be heard and nothing else. A great lover is encouraging and points out the good in others - I really like the way you . . . or Wow, I just heard about the great speech you made or the great pie you baked or how kind you were.

Putting someone first means you think about what matters to that person, what they like, what they enjoy, what brings them happiness and pleasure. Then, you act on those things with the sheer motive of making them feel loved.

Speak Kindly

Kindness reaps kindness. Anger sows anger. You get what you sow. If you want love, you must give love. Use yours words well and use them to encourage. I love the 3 Gates of Gold. Before you speak, make sure it passes three gates of gold.

Is it true?
Is it needful?
Is it kind?

Many things may pass gate 1, some may pass gate 2, but most importantly, before you speak, make sure it passes gate 3. Some Bible verses that resonated with me in relation to the three gates:

Proverbs 24:26 An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.
Proverbs 25:11 The right words spoken at the right time are like apples of gold in a silver setting.

Above all, be kind.

Love Earnestly

Earnestly is a great word. It means with sincere and intense conviction; seriously. Think about that for a minute - love seriously. Do you love others seriously? Are you sincere, do you express it with conviction?

That seems pretty heavy, and I hope I didn’t turn you off. To be on the receiving of that sounds pretty awesome though, don’t you think? And lucky for me, I am. I am the receiver of earnest love. It fills your heart and warms your heart and makes you want to give the sender the same thing.

To be a better lover, love earnestly.

Love Ourselves

Finally, imagine you just buckled into your window seat on the airplane (fine, you can have an aisle seat if that better suits you.) The flight attendant has just started with the safety announcements and has now gotten to the part about the oxygen masks. The airlines have it right. Help yourself first before you help a child or someone else. That applies in life and in being a better lover. Love yourself first. You cannot express what you do not have. If you didn’t fasten your oxygen mask first, you would pass out and wouldn’t be able to put it on the child. If you don’t love yourself first, you cannot be a great lover to others in your life.

Love yourself. Some people say such negative things to themselves that they would never say to someone else. Say only kind and encouraging words to yourself. Do things for yourself that make you happy, that make you have a better day, that fill you up. This love is not arrogant or rude. It is humble and unassuming, but it is still love, and it is powerful. How can you be a better lover to yourself? I’ll leave that one up to you to decide, but let’s consider adding it to our 2022 list of goals. Let’s be a better lover.

Thank you for reading.

Wishing you beauty and joy, kindness and compassion, and most definitely, love.

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