Overflowing Love for Family
Stretching our View of the Holidays
I’m a planner. I like to know when, where, how and why. And if you can tell me a few times, that’s even better.
Are you a planner?
This always reminds me of Julia Robert’s lines in Pretty Woman. “I’m a planner. I’m actually no, I’m not a planner. I wouldn’t say I’m a planner. I would say I’m a kinda fly by the seat of my pants gal.
One of the hardest things for me to learn (and I’m still working on mastering it) is to respect others needs to not plan or go with the flow. My planning stems back from my days of trying to get pregnant when struggling with infertility. Everything was on a schedule, timed and precise. An error in timing would cause failure in achieving that oh so desired status of “being pregnant.” The multitude of stress, emotion, planning, the roller coaster ride of hoping and failing never really left me, and I can well up in tears even thinking of it to this very day. Side note: I have two beautiful children who showered me with love and joy this holiday season and for whom I am eternally grateful. But I err on the planning side because it minimizes my pain, and it gave me my life’s greatest gifts.
Not everyone likes to plan, however. Some people like to fall in line with other’s plans to minimize drama and disruption. Their kindness is a different gift in the holidays - a sort of steadfast love that has a foundational quality and arrives at any time to shine forth and fill the room. Learning to respect that way and that difference can be a way to show love and acceptance and a way to grow in showing love to family.
We welcomed a new person into our home this holiday season. My son brought his beautiful girlfriend home with him from Florida this year. She is a true gem. We welcomed her warmly into the fold, compared and contrasted our family traditions and celebrations and enjoyed the energy she added to our celebration. We may have tired her out and drained her for our get togethers are busy and filled with food and games. We do hope when she left that she felt wrapped in our love and acceptance.
I am the product of divorce, and my kids are too. When you multiply two sets of divorce, that makes multiple family locations to visit. Add in a significant other and things really get complicated to plan. In my mind, planning time with everyone for the holidays can all be accomplished. It may take some folding of time and other supernatural elements, but I’m convinced it can be done. I’m an overachiever and believe everything can fit in the allotted time. It doesn’t. And today I learned, that is ok. I didn’t get to be a part of all the holiday celebrations that I wanted to. In fact, I spent some of my holiday time alone but I started celebrating the holidays on the 18th, so don’t feel too sorry for me. I shared my sadness with my sister and was shown overflowing love and compassion. If this hadn’t happened to me, we wouldn’t have had the conversation, and we wouldn’t have talked about our feelings. It made our relationship richer and deeper by sharing.
A work friend invited me to her parent’s home for Christmas Day. This extension of inclusion and kindness overwhelmed me to the point where I almost didn’t go. But then I realized that kindness is actually felt more deeply when it is accepted, so I went with anticipation and excitement and was met with the same.
One of our holiday traditions is to vote for the best wrapped package. It’s not snooty and is only in fun and not meant to make anyone feel bad or inadequate. Instead, it is to celebrate the time, thought and effort people put into gift giving and wrapping. My sisters select wrapping paper and bows based on the receiver’s likes and personality. At my house we have a wrapping station set up on the ping pong table filled with a myriad of choices of wrapping paper, tissue paper, ribbons, boxes, bows and gift tags. We love to give gifts, and we make a big deal out of it because it is an expression of our love for our friends and family. When we open gifts, we take the time to look at all the wrapping and enjoy it as much as the gift. It is like two gifts in one.
Another one of our traditions is Christmas shopping in Chicago. Before my sisters moved away, we had a strong record of 13 consecutive years of Christmas shopping together in Chicago the weekend after Thanksgiving. We loved the holiday lights along the Magnificent Mile, the decorated store windows at Marshall Fields, now Macy’s. Shoe shopping at Nordstrom, dining at their cafe and selecting an accessory from their dazzling offering were key parts of our weekend. We crammed in as many stores as possible, got excited to show each other things we found and were some of those obnoxious people others stared at when we were gut laughing over something ridiculous. They were memorable and great times.
The tradition carried on this year in a modified way. My college-age daughter and I visited Chicago for one full day of shopping. We started with a visit with Santa at Macy’s, then went in and out of numerous Michigan Avenue shops as we walked to the north end where we had parked. We paid homage to my sisters as we visited some of their favorite places - Ghirardelli Cafe for hot chocolate and an attempt to ice skate in the ribbon at Maggie Daley Park (booked reservations kept us from that.) It was similar, yet different, yet fabulous. To be able to share a tradition so special with my daughter filled my heart.
There were other wonderful parts of the trip that were new. We started with breakfast and coffee at Starbucks. The kind people in front of us in the drive-through lane paid for our purchase. That generous gesture was a beautiful start to our day. We paid it forward and paid for the people behind us. We were filled with joy as we ventured to Chicago. We tried to be cognizant and kind to all the people working in the stores. At the candy counter in Macy’s, we waited for a while. When we were helped, the person helping us opened her heart and shared a story with us. She took a moment to compose herself, then explained why she took extra time with the person before us. That woman was her friend and had been homeless. They had lost touch with each other for two years, and was feared dead. Her lost friend came in to buy some candy, tell her she was no longer homeless and thanked her friend for helping her in her time of need. We felt such gratitude that someone who had been lost was found and that we were allowed in to her heart to share the joy.
To stretch your view of the holidays and show overwhelming love for family, consider these things.
Embrace plans or no plans and respect the individual for their heart.
Joyously welcome new people into your holidays - it could be someone else or it could be you.
Celebrate your traditions and make new ones too.
My traditional notions of what makes a happy holiday and what is the best/right way to spend the holidays has been challenged. I think that’s a good thing. Stretching our hearts and our minds is one thing we should strive for during the holidays. Sharing love, kindness and compassion in whatever form moves you is what the holidays are all about.
Thank you for reading. Wishing you beauty & joy, kindness and compassion.
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