5 Things for Great Relationships
If I had 30 minutes to live and had to impart everything I’ve learned from my own life and from studying others about what makes great relationships, here is what I’d tell you.
1. Learn the love languages.
Simply put, the way you love someone matters. What you do to show someone love matters. Unknowingly you may be expressing love in a way your partner finds annoying. You think they should feel loved just because you put in the effort. There’s a much better way. Dr. Gary Chapman figured it all out for you. As a marriage counselor, he listened to countless men and women in his office describe what was wrong with their relationships. He distilled it down to 5 love languages.
1. Physical touch
2. Quality time
3. Words of affirmation
4. Receiving gifts
5. Acts of service
People tend to have a primary and close secondary love language. If you express love in that person’s language, they will feel loved. If you express it another way, they will be annoyed or feel unloved. Take the quiz. Learn your love language and that of your partner. If you have kids, learn their love languages too. You will experience greater joy and harmony in those relationships by paying attention in these areas.
2. Learn the apology languages.
Another significant part of relationships is learning how to patch up a problem. In a similar way to expressing love, people have a preferred way they need to hear an apology in order to find it sincere. There are 5 apology languages.
1. Expressing regret - “I am sorry.”
2. Accepting responsibility - “I was wrong.”
3. Making restitution - “What can I do to make it right?”
4. Genuinely repenting - “I’ll try not to do that again.”
5. Requesting forgiveness – “Will you please forgive me?”
Communicating through these languages will allow you to heal hurt, grow from the situation and become stronger. Take the quiz.
3. Set and maintain boundaries
One of the many lessons my sister taught me was that the stresses we face in life are not necessarily from external situations creating drama in our lives. In fact, it may be our lack of clear boundaries that causes us problems. First, what are boundaries? Boundaries are the limits we set with other people which indicate what we find acceptable and unacceptable in their behavior towards us. Oftentimes we don’t have any boundaries or haven’t reflected on what is important to us. That makes it extremely difficult to enforce. To know what our boundaries are, we need to be clear on our emotions, thoughts and values. Once we have those determined, we need to maintain them and communicate them assertively. If this is done firmly with respect and kindness, all people in the relationship can feel valued and calm.
4. Apply Og Mandino’s Filter
The way we interpret another person’s message is in large part influenced by the filter we use and our own situation. If we are happy, more of the messages we hear are filtered through happiness and seem happy. If we are grumpy, many times we misinterpret the true meaning of the message. The great Og Mandino, who wrote the bestseller The Greatest Salesman wrote,
“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.”
Adjust your filter to care, kindness and understanding. Imagine this is the last time you will be with this person. Drop what you are doing, listen intently, lovingly and carefully choose your words. Put forth effort to make the world better for this person. If you only had until midnight to be with this person, are there some things that wouldn’t matter? Focus on the ones that would.
5. Show Respect
My favorite definition of respect is: a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. Respect is essential for successful relationships. We show someone we care about them as a human being by showing respect. We show someone we care about the mutual relationship through respect. Admiration takes it to a higher level by communicating feelings about the person as a whole. How does your view of a person change when you look at them with admiration?
Great relationships come from chemistry, compatibility and many factors that you cannot control. The exciting part about relationships is that there are many factors you can control. You can control your actions, your feelings and your knowledge about how to positively impact your relationships. Learn about the love and apology languages, assertively maintain your boundaries, view others through Og Mandino’s filter and focus on showing respect and admiration to the people in your relationships. Then watch them grow.